The right decision

Well let me introduce myself.  My name is *Diane and I am 19 years old.  I live with my mom, dad and older sister.  I have two extremely cute Scottish terriers and I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years.

I seem to have a normal life and if I told people this they would see what I have told them yet everybody’s lives are more than just what they say and I am going to tell you my story.

I was adopted when I was 2 years old.  My mom and dad had my sister and then couldn’t have any more children – so along came the little toddler Diane… I lead a normal, happy life until I was in grade 5.  My mom got extremely sick and I was moved from my primary school to a school closer to home.  Everything started off well in my year of grade 6 until I got into the wrong crowd of kids.  I think going through that pre-teen stage and having the wrong friends was just a bit too hectic for my parents to handle.  I became extremely attention seeking and I often caused problems with other girls and my parents were often called to see the headmaster.  One of the ways I would seek attention was to pretend I was bulimic and when I got to school I would say to my friends “My mom made me eat, I have to go to the bathroom”. – This continued through grade 6 and 7.

I finished grade 7 (not well) and I went off to my first year of high school and as any girl would I put on weight as I was maturing, I was extremely upset about this and from pretending to be bulimic, I started really throwing up my food.  This continued all the way through grade 8,9,10 and 11.  (I know this seems irrelevant now but just bare with me.)

Throughout my high school I always seemed to have a boyfriend, a serious boyfriend for each year I was in high school.  I was young and naïve and impulsive and I lost my virginity when I as just 15 (grade 9).  I went through a lot of problems because of that and my parents knew nothing of what was going on in my life as I was very secretive and kept it to myself.  I only know now how much pain I put them through.  After that boyfriend I had another one and we never slept together.  We dated for 7 months and broke up.  I found a new boyfriend and we slept together. It just became something I did to keep him happy.  We broke up and I didn’t even make such an issue about it.

At my church a new pastor arrived and he had a daughter and a son.  I became friends with his son and we started sleeping together.  My parents did not even know that I liked him.  They thought we were just friends.  Eventually his parents found out that we were sleeping together and told us we had to tell my parents that we were dating or else we were not allowed to see each other any more.

We told my parents but by that time I was already about 2 weeks pregnant!  We didn’t know what to do.  Our first reaction was to have an abortion but I think we were in denial, as we never made any plans at all.  When I was month pregnant my mother got a phone call from an unknown lady and she told my mother that I was pregnant with the pastor’s son and that I was planning to have an abortion. She came straight to school and asked if it was true – I couldn’t deny it and told her it was.  It was the scariest thing that I have ever been through in my whole entire life but as hard as it was I would do it all again because the experience has truly changed me.

My boyfriend and I were very unsure of what we should do about the baby to give her up or keep her.  We tried to make all sorts of budgets and plans to see if we would keep our baby.

Through out this time I had this name in my head that had been pestering me, it was the name Amanda.  I didn’t know why there was this name that was bothering me and I told my mom I was confused, I left it that and carried on.

A month or two later we decided to give our baby up for adoption.  It was the most difficult choice I have ever made in my life.  The one day I was cleaning my room and a thought came into my mind “if there is a women called Amanda in the profiles we are going to look at, I must choose her”.  I told my boyfriend about it and he thought it was silly but promised to keep it in mind.

We went to ABBA and the social worker had the profiles ready for us and we went through them.  The last profile we looked at was nicely covered and as we opened to have a look the first thing that popped out at me was the name Mandy (Amanda).  It was the name of the women! I was shocked and my boyfriend (who had his heart set on a different family) got angry and told me it was silly just to go on a name.

I was raised in a Christian home and I have had a relationship with my Lord – I went through a period of my time where I was far from Him and that’s why I had been put in the position of been a teen mom.  I feel the Lord had put me in this situation to teach and mold me.  I had been promiscuous; I could no longer be as I was pregnant.  I had been throwing up my food; I now had a baby inside of me and I had to look after her.  I had been far from God and it was time that I got my life on track.

I knew that God had told me what to do with my baby.  He gave me the name and the confirmation that this was the family to choose and for the first time for a long time I obeyed and listened to what God told me.  I was shown the real power and glory of our Saviour – He spoke to me and I could no longer deny Him.

It was still not easier to give her up and my family and my boyfriend’s family suffered hugely by our mistake and our decision yet I know that I made the correct decision.

Been an adopted child really did help as I would see the benefits that I had gotten because I was adopted.  I wanted the best for my baby and the best that my boyfriend and I could give was really not the best she could receive.  I have suffered a lot and caused a lot of pain to many people.  I am just fortunate that I had a big group of people that supported me through that difficult time.

This week it is our baby 1st year birthday and I am so happy that she is happy.  I miss her so much and I often wish I could hold her but I know what we made the right decision no matter what people’s opinions were.

*Names have been changed in the interests of privacy.